Do I Need Therapy or Couples Counseling? How to Decide

One of the most common questions I hear from people reaching out for the first time is some version of this: should we be doing this together or should I just come on my own?

It's a good question. And the honest answer is that it depends on what's actually going on, what you're hoping to change, and sometimes, what you're willing to look at.

Here's a guide to help you think it through.

What individual therapy is actually for

Individual therapy is a space for you. Just you. It's where you get to slow down and look honestly at your own patterns, your history, your inner world, without the dynamic of another person in the room shaping what feels safe to say.

People come to individual therapy for all kinds of reasons. Anxiety that won't quiet. A sense of being stuck. Grief, burnout, a major life transition. The feeling that old wounds are showing up in current relationships. A desire to understand themselves more deeply and change patterns that keep repeating regardless of who they're with.

Individual therapy is particularly valuable when the struggles you're facing feel rooted in your own history rather than in the relationship itself. When the patterns you want to shift are yours to work on. When you need a space that's entirely yours to think, feel, and process without navigating someone else's reactions.

It's also the right starting point when one partner isn't ready or willing to engage in couples work. You can only do your own work. And sometimes doing your own work changes the relationship more than you expect.

What couples therapy is actually for

Couples therapy focuses on the space between two people. The dynamic, the cycle, the pattern that keeps repeating no matter how many times you resolve to do things differently.

Most couples aren't fighting about what they think they're fighting about. The argument about communication or household responsibilities or intimacy is almost never really about those things on the surface. Underneath the surface argument are usually two people who feel unseen, unheard, or disconnected, and who have developed ways of responding to that pain that unintentionally make things worse.

Couples therapy helps you both see the cycle clearly. Not to assign blame or determine who is right, but to understand what's actually happening between you and build new ways of reaching for each other when things get hard.

Couples therapy tends to be the right fit when the primary source of distress is the relationship itself. When the conflict, distance, or disconnection is what's most affecting your quality of life. When both partners are willing to look honestly at their own part in the dynamic.

How to know which one you need

A few questions worth sitting with:

Is the pain primarily yours or primarily relational? If you're struggling with anxiety, old trauma, self-worth, or your own patterns regardless of your relationship, individual therapy is likely the right starting point. If the pain is most present in the dynamic between you and your partner, couples therapy may be more directly helpful.

Is your partner willing and ready? Couples therapy requires both people to be genuinely engaged. One person showing up willing and the other going through the motions rarely leads to lasting change. If your partner isn't ready, individual therapy can still create meaningful shifts in how you show up in the relationship.

Are there safety concerns? Couples therapy is generally not recommended in situations involving active substance use, ongoing deception, or any form of abuse. Individual therapy is the appropriate starting point in these circumstances.

Have you tried couples therapy before without much movement? Sometimes individual therapy first helps each person develop enough self-awareness and emotional capacity to make couples work more productive. The two don't have to be either/or.

Can you do both at the same time?

Yes, though there are some nuances worth knowing. Many people find that doing individual therapy alongside couples therapy is deeply supportive. You have a space to process what's coming up for you personally while also doing the relational work together.

One thing to be aware of: it's generally recommended that your individual therapist and couples therapist be different people. When the same therapist holds both roles it can create dual relationships that complicate the work. Most therapists will have referrals for you if you're looking to add one or the other.

What if I'm still not sure?

That's completely okay. A free consultation is a good place to start. In fifteen minutes I can get a sense of what's going on and share my honest perspective on what might be most helpful. You don't have to have it figured out before you reach out.

Sometimes people come in thinking they need couples therapy and we discover individual work is the right first step. Sometimes the opposite. The goal is always to point you toward what will actually help.

Working with me

I'm Megan Bathen-Gonzalez, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #150616) offering telehealth therapy for individuals, couples, and families throughout California. My work is trauma-informed, somatic, and attachment-informed, drawing from narrative therapy, parts work inspired by IFS, and Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Whether you're coming on your own or with a partner, the goal is the same: to understand what's driving the pain and build something that feels steadier, more connected, and more like you.

I serve clients across the Bay Area, Silicon Valley, Los Gatos, Palo Alto, Marin, Santa Barbara, Beverly Hills, and throughout California via secure telehealth.

Free 15-minute consultation available.